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--Doesn't that go without saying? [ He's defensive, maybe a little too quick, but it blurts out with something like fluster or confusion, if not strong. Tidus looking aside, running his hand through his hair but barely, just needing something to do with himself. ]

I mean-- yeah; I'd want it too... [ But his voice settles easily again, private. Falling silent, before he looks back with the tiniest of pouts. ]

You can't complain if I do it wrong. [ He said that before, didn't he? But the joke of it helps. Maybe. ] 'Cept, you know - unless you tell me what to do. But no making fun.

[ Constructive criticism only, asks the guy full of jokes and teasing. But he won't joke about this -- not about doing it, actually in the act. The last thing he wants is either of them to feel inadequate.

(But it's just a handjob, right? How hard can it be? ...all puns excluded) ]

[ There's no longer any way this is a joke. Especially not since Tidus seems to be getting genuinely flustered himself. And who wouldn't, when it's about this topic? When it's suddenly about bros doing each other a favour that's slightly more intimate than the usual? Inigo, for one, can feel his heart pounding so loudly that he can basically hear it all the way up in his ears. ]

W-Why would I complain?

[ Granted, that question partially comes forth out of the slightly different levels they are on as they go into this. Because for Inigo this isn't just about getting a handjob from someone else, rather than having to do it himself. It's about the fact that Tidus is doing it, and that fact turns him on more than anything else.

So why would he complain about the quality of the handjob? It's amazing just because of who he's getting it from. ]

We've.. done it on ourselves before. It can't be too different, doing it for someone else, right? [ Even if it's his first time doing so. Even back with Yuki-- it was different. ]

Not really...

[ He's not dumb - Tidus knows it isn't. At least, not from some of the stuff he's see, which he doubts that Inigo's ever had accessed to, but - he had a boyfriend. A fiancé, even, which isn't particularly bouncing around Tidus's head now. If anything, the answer is as simple as that. They sound decided, and where else was there to go from there?

Tidus darts a look over to the tent bag, but his eyes fall easily on the sky without a visible sun, but far from yet fallen into night. Shifts himself, shuffling to face back where the hill overlooks, a leg drawn up and his hands resting over the knee. ]

Uh...you don't mind if we wait, do you? --I'm not nervous or anything, [ just going to rush to get that out- ] but it's still pretty early... and I wanted to enjoy sitting here, outside the tent. We won't get another chance tomorrow.

[ Even if it's that period of dusk where it's quiet and sombre, a sheet blurring out the light, even with the few colours in the sky -- it's something. A time they won't get to experience for a while. ]

[ All it takes is just those few words - you don't mind if we wait, do you? - and Inigo's mind immediately starts spinning. Maybe it's since he's in such a vulnerable mood already, considering the topic they're discussing, but the thoughts start racing through his head before he has even the slightest chance to try and stop them.

See, he doesn't want to -- why were you being so delusional? -- he's trying to get out of it -- sweet Naga, look how awkward you've made it -- why did you even take this so seriously--

The wave of insecurity that washes over him is so powerful that he has to put in a lot of effort to keep himself from bending right over due to the sudden wave of nausea in his stomach. There's no way Tidus wouldn't notice it with how close they are right now, after all.

Come on, Inigo. Give a normal answer. A cool answer. ]

A-Ah yeah. Of course. N-No problem.

[ He feels entirely out of breath, trying to conceal his panic. Fingers dig into his thighs, almost hard enough to bruise himself, but it's at least distracting from his dumb emotional state. ]

Whenever you want.

[ What Tidus notices is - he isn't sure what he notices. Insecurity? Nerves? A voice trying to sound okay when it isn't, and it makes Tidus unsure, looking aside, searching for what he should say. Aiming for reassurance when he looks back. ]

I'm not joking. [ And he adds in a nudge to Inigo's side, arm to arm, though it means his hand has to come off his knee for a second. ] Watching the sky... it was about all I could do in Spira, back then. I used to do it in Zanarkand too, but...

[ He lets a hand drop to the grass, fingers scraping lightly as the dried dirt. ]

You would have liked the skies in Spira, [ he says, wanting to lighten his own thoughts drifting too far in their melancholy. ] We used to catch the sunset all the time, travelling. It was just...nice, you know? I used to miss Zanarkand often, but now - I miss those skies a lot. Camping, or trekking through it, trying to get to a place to stop.

[ ... ] I wish I could show you.

[ If only. ]

[ It's hard to listen to Tidus's voice. Inigo tries, especially since he can tell that Tidus is trying to say something important here. That he's trying to talk about something close to his heart. But with the panicked beats of Inigo's own heart, and the wave of bad feelings that threatens to overtake him, it's as if Inigo is listening to Tidus from underwater. The words sound distant, far away.

They only get clearer later on, as Inigo really tries to focus on what the other is saying, no matter how difficult it is to do both that and keep his own bad feelings at bay. He has to try.

.. even though he knows engaging with those last few words isn't a good idea. Not unless he wants to create even more bad feelings here. For them both. So instead of replying to that, he just sucks in a deep breath, and hopes it's enough to make his voice sound at least almost normal as he asks: ]

How.. were they different? The skies in Zanarkand and Spira.

[ IT's a good thing that Tidus can ramble as he does. Hoping to get somewhere that's normal, natural. Has he just made things awkward by bringing up sex in the first place? But it didn't seem like there was a problem before, and Tidus takes that at face value; trying not to read into Inigo's voice, listen to his words. ]

The difference? Well... [ He looks at the sky as it is now, down to his risen, bent knee. ] It's the way you look at it. I guess it was the same sky, right? [ Right? ] But in Zanarkand...I had no worries. I was in my own thoughts, thinking about the next game, whatever was going on. In Spira... even when I looked at the same sky, I tried to think about where Zanarkand was out there. It was the same sunset, the same sky, but... I used to feel different things about it. Because of everything going on.

[ ...which must sound dumb, far too personal, and he wants to run a hand through his hair, rub his neck, but he straighten his back a bit, glancing at Inigo shyly from the corner of his eye. ]

I guess... even now, I'm looking for somewhere else.

[ Inigo pulls up his knees too, but so he can bend forward slightly to let his head rest against his legs.

By the time Tidus peeks over at him, Inigo does look back - but only partially, since his head is still in that same position. Just turned slightly so he can peer back at Tidus with one eye. It's easier that way, while he still isn't sure about whether he can control his emotions. ]

Looking for Zanarkand? Or yet another place?

[ Inigo's thoughts momentarily drift off. The sky of the Ylisse of his early childhood, the sky of Ylisse in the future, the sky of Ylisse in the past.. They never felt different, did they? Because it was always Ylisse. Or maybe since worry kicked in so early for him, a life long partner.

Here with him even now, in this moment. Worries about inadequacy, about being unable to let his bad feelings overwhelm him, about being unable to ever think of the right thing to say.

Even now. After all, what does he say to that? When there's no way to fill up the wound in Tidus's heart, when he's worried he may accidentally only tear it into a bigger one? ]

.. the sky we're under right now is the only one we've got, though. [ At least for right now. ] You might only hurt yourself, trying to look for some other place in it.

But what if there's a way home?

[ It takes him a moment to say it, and Tidus knows that it's exactly the thing Inigo is warning against. Hoping, and on so little; but it's the first sign of hope that Tidus has seen in so long, that he can't help housing it in his chest. He doesn't speak it with his usual brand of confidence, but it's not weak.

He leans a little towards Inigo, searching for some kind of touch between their arms, turning his head in his direction. Awkward for how they're sitting, and Tidus isn't sure if he should, but - he might dare, considering the things they've talked about doing. Isn't seeking comfort in the physical exactly what they agreed to? ]

You think it's bad to get too hopeful? [ Ha- ] I know, it's gonna take more than one person, but... it's the first chance that we've had, ever. She believed us.

[ He lifts his gaze onto Inigo, settled before on the ground as he spoke. But- ] You think she did, right?

[ It didn't sound like a lie to Inigo, did it? ]

[ It's weird. For once, it's not Inigo who seeks about the physical proximity or contact. Not to say that he shies away from Tidus leaning against him, but there doesn't seem to be any effort on his part to lean back. Maybe he's still awkward from the talk of a moment ago, or maybe there's something else - it's hard to tell just by looking at Inigo, really.

Maybe he's just focused on their current topic. ]

I don't think she thought we were crazy. [ He says, slowly, like he's making sure to consider his words before saying them. To make sure they're genuine, and also making sure he thinks he got the right impression of that situation back there. ] She didn't seem like a bad person, either.

[ But to make that their hope for return? Maybe Inigo has become jaded, but he can't fully believe it. Or maybe it's since he understood Roland's worry too, even though he didn't want to stop Tidus just because of that. What if this ends up causing them trouble more than anything? Inigo doesn't mind dying, but if he has to watch his friends on the train get hurt, or Roland, or Tidus-- he couldn't handle that.

Not that he voices it. Despite his warning of a moment ago, it's not like he completely wants to take away Tidus's hope.

It's always been like that. Even in that bleak future. Even when Inigo stopped believing that it could still get better, he still made sure everyone else around him did hope. (Hypocrite.) ]

I just don't want you to get hurt. [ For being let down in your hope, he means.

(For getting himself caught up in something he can't stop now, he means.) ]

[ He can see where Inigo's coming from. In what he says, what he doesn't; he knows it's a lot, and it's been longer for him than it has been for himself. And the two of them; maybe it's a show of their differences, where Inigo has had to suffer longer for a chance of a better future. An endurance that Tidus has always admired, always figured he wouldn't be able to claim if their roles were reversed. He can barely handle this now. But then - what would he do, even if he couldn't?

There wasn't anything else.

Tidus lets a silence fill in between them. There's plenty he can say, but all of it, he doesn't figure is the time for. Promises, further hopes; but he lets himself cradle the hope he does have, willing to grasp onto even the tiniest that he's given. His eyes settled on where Inigo's hands rest with arms wrapped around his legs, and he eventually reaches over, takes a hold of one in his.

And he holds it quietly - until, softly: ]

Hey... just so you know, we don't have to do anything tonight, if you don't want to. If I put you on the spot - [ he looks at Inigo properly then, aiming for reassurance, ] Let me know, okay? I'm...sorry I joked about it. You know.

[ You know. Before being serious about it. ]

[ Momentarily Inigo seems to shrink even more at the words, just instinctively. But then he sucks in a breath and does at least try to reply. Because he owes Tidus as much, and because it's not like there's any escape anyway when Tidus is holding his hand like that.

(It's that move that always softens him up, anyway.) ]

You don't have to apologize. [ Even if Inigo was whining about it, it's not like it was so far out of the ballpark compared to their usual teasing and joking that it ought to be such a big deal. He knows that it just ended up more stupidly than usually since his own dumb feelings got in the way, but it's not like he can say that out loud.

He can never say the most important part out loud. ]

It's not that I don't want to, it's just..

[ Although Inigo was staring back at Tidus while saying all that, now he uprights himself, stretches his legs back out until they're flat, and sighs as he looks away. ]

I got so worked up about it in the moment, so my feelings got all jumbled up when you said you didn't want to right away. And then you started on all these serious topics, and now it'd just.. feel weird.

[ Listen, he can't do mutual handjobs with his bro and pretend to not have any feelings at the same time after talk this serious. ]

...Did I ruin the mood for you?

[ Did he get his bro in the mood and then right out of it? He isn't sure if those are the kind of 'worked up' feelings Inigo means, but then, what else could he? And it feels dumb, Tidus looking sheepishly away, how this exactly escalated when he didn't realise. ]

I kept talking 'cause I didn't think you believed me. [ His hand had let go of Inigo's when his legs dropped, and he fiddles with the grass between them now, sheepish. ] It wasn't...really that serious to me? Uh, but I guess it sounded that way.

[ Talking about how different the same sky can look...! ]

I thought it'd be too early to shove ourselves into a tent all night.

[ The answer to that first question is definitely yes.

Inigo even knows so. Consciously. But he's not sure if he can just.. say that? Would it be weird? No, more importantly, would it be rude?! Since it's not like Tidus was doing any of it on purpose, it was just a really dumb combination of circumstances, and.. ugh. ]

Yes, I know, but..

[ This is so hard.

It's so hard because there are so many things he could say here, but at the same time he knows he shouldn't say them. Not any of them. Which leaves him awkwardly silent. ]

.. never mind. Let's just.. do it some other time, alright?

...Okay.

[ He's disappointed. It's strange to think, to realise - that he'd care this much, his spirit deflating with the option disappearing from their night. But he knows he shouldn't try and say anything inappropriate; he doesn't want to sound like he's asking Inigo to change his mind, through guilt or otherwise, or to go and make a joke out of this. What if that made Inigo feel worse? Any of it?

But he can't let himself think about it, let in a growing silence as his brain searches out a why; so Tidus takes a breath, shifting himself with the excuse that he needs the leg room to cross his legs, so of course he can't lean his weight on Inigo and do that too. Starts picking at the grass, forgetting he told himself to only weave it around his fingers. ]

Do you still wanna camp out with me? [ He looks over, taking a second to make himself look at Inigo proper, by his face. Cheering up his voice, a small smile playing on his lips. ] I'm okay, you know - I won't be lonely, if it's too weird now. Just let me know what you want, okay?

It's not too weird--! [ Inigo starts, without missing even a beat after Tidus stops speaking. There's something desperate about his tone, like he really wants to convey this. Even his body turns right along, twisting to the side, both hands leaning on the ground underneath them to support his body.

Because he can feel panic setting in all over again, still as sensitive as he is in this moment, as he's been ever since the end of the mission, only growing stronger with the joke-turned-serious-offer from a few moments ago. Did he make things worse somehow by saying they can do it some other time? Did he make Tidus feel awkward, even as the other tries to smile?

Why is that everything he does is just wrong? It's like no matter what option he picks at any given moment, it always leads to the worst possible outcome. A trail of failures and hurt feelings. ]

I just.. I can't do it all casual like this! Between talk of other stuff, like it's nothing, I..

[ I'm too much of a big dumb emotional idiot for that, but how does one even word that? ]

.. you're important to me. [ That's the closest he can get without admitting to the line he can't cross, no matter what. ] You know? We're best friends. So I don't want to just.. treat this like it's nothing.

[ His mouth clamps shut the instance that Inigo speaks. Maybe due to the severity of it, the plead in it to be understood. Walking straight into the mess he was hoping to avoid, to not hurt Inigo's feelings, but, congratulations, Tidus--

It's like he doesn't know how to speak. Or is the problem that he doesn't understand? One or the other, or maybe both. But he doesn't know how else to be but the explanations in his throats, the protests, the reassurances. It bubbles a frustration in him, one that's confused. Is that what Inigo thinks? Is that how he's making this sound? ]

It's not nothing! I... [ What am I even arguing? What am I trying to explain? ] I wasn't trying to ignore it, I just... I didn't want to make too big of a deal. Overthink it. You know? We had the whole night - I didn't wanna rush into it just 'cause we agreed to it.

[ His gaze flits, lost, searching for something more than what he can give.

But all he can find is to offer, helplessly: ]

I wasn't trying to act like I didn't care.

[ Look at Tidus, making a genuine effort to not overthink it. Not considering the fact that Inigo overthinks absolutely everything in life. Even the little things, so you can imagine what it does with bigger things like this.

This. This is what it does. Him overthinking things until they turn into huge incredibly awkward semi-misunderstandings. Where they're both struggling to convey something to the other that the other perhaps can't fully understand. ]

.. but it is a big deal.

[ He knows that Tidus doesn't necessarily mean that it isn't, not in that sort of way, anyway. That's not why Inigo is saying it. He's just saying it since it's the easiest way to try and explain his weird, tangled up emotions. His fussiness about all of this.

At least he quiets down a little, but maybe it's since this explanation is a bit more somber than everything before. ]

I never even did that with Yuki.

[ And he loved that boy. So much. He was engaged to him, even. But with how Yuki was, it never happened.

So to do it now with Tidus, even as friends (and even that is kind of contested by the tangle in Inigo's heart).. it is a big deal. It's a lot. So Inigo gets fussy. So Inigo overthinks, feels worried, feels ashamed. Even now. ]

[ He's doing his best to listen. What Inigo's saying now doesn't match with what he agreed to before, going along with this before Tidus brought up about waiting -- but, it doesn't need to. If Inigo changed his mind, then that's alright, isn't it? He wasn't ready, he doesn't want this.

It's better after all, that he asked to wait. ]

Then - we don't need to do it. [ He offers it reassuringly, somewhat confidently. Sitting with a slight slouch, arms resting in his lap and his head tilted to face Inigo. ] If that's something you want to do with someone special, I get it. I know we-- we're close, yeah, and I care about you a lot. But sleeping with me and sleeping with a boyfriend is...

[ He lets out a puff of a laugh, an awkward smile that's not entirely mirthless. Yeah, big difference there. And isn't Inigo right, in the end? When he thinks about it, being with someone. All of this they've been doing it: wasn't it just some fun? A fun they agreed to. A way to feel less alone.

And maybe because Tidus knows he won't get anything else, once he leaves the train. He'll never have the chance. ]

Sorry. [ His voice is tinged lightly with the earlier humour, if further subdued. The more he thinks about it, the more he realises the position he put Inigo in. ] I should've thought about what it meant to you.

[ What else more can he say? How can he put his relationship over the one Inigo had with Yuki, the guy he was engaged with? That it'll be alright, if he didn't ever even get together with his own guy? Tidus can't. He doesn't want to cross that line. ]

[ It's like he's falling right off the tightrope he was trying to navigate the moment he hears Tidus say these words, realising that he seriously screwed up here. That he did explain himself, but that there's just enough of a gap between what he knows and what Tidus doesn't know what made the words come across all wrong to the other.

And it's ironic too. If that's something you want to do with someone special, Tidus says, and he's right. He's so right.

But Tidus is the special person Inigo wants to do it with.

And he can't say that. Even though it'd be the one thing clearing Tidus of all guilt he's unnecessarily taking upon himself, Inigo just can't say it. Not even out of cowardice, out of fear of losing their friendship-- no, he just.. isn't allowed to. Not when Tidus had Yuna. Probably still has Yuna in his heart, even now. When the two of them seemed like soulmates, when she's the entire world to his friend.

Inigo can't come between that. He won't allow himself. Besides, he knows he couldn't even if he tried.

His throat feels so dry as his mind races at a thousand panicked thoughts an hour, trying to find some way to at least keep Tidus from feeling awkward because of this, even though Inigo will feel like a douche regardless. ]

Tidus, you're fine.

[ There's still that desperate edge to his words, because he wants to convey this to the other so badly. Tidus didn't do anything. He's fine. Nothing is his fault. ]

It's not.. [ .. like that, you're misunderstanding. ] You didn't hurt me.

[ I'm the one hurting you. ]

There's nothing to say sorry for.

Yeah, but...

[ He gets it, he knows; they're both threatening to go in a circle here of reassuring the other, not wanting to make things weirder than they are. It means holding his tongue, the apologies he wants to give more, his own protests meant to be kind.

It's a rejection -- a kinda funny one, a situation he never thought he'd been in, but. He's a big boy. He can handle it. They're still friends, and that's what's important.

Tidus chuckles a little again, quietly; and guides himself to fall onto his back, eyes closing, lungs taking in a deep breath. His hands coming over his stomach, fingers lacing together. ]

We can star gaze. [ Star gazing- he looks just to check, to see what's up there, and ah- ] Oh, look- there's some out now.

[ But that sounds a little too much like talking about the sky before, doesn't it? Moving too fast. So Tidus turns his head and gaze to Inigo, pulling a smile onto his face. ]

It's fine. We're both fine.

[ Are they really fine?

Inigo can't help but worry about what he made Tidus feel right now, about what kind of weird impression he gave off to the other because of his waffling, a kind of waffling that's absolutely impossible to understand without a few key pieces of information that Inigo can't give up. There's a nervous tension at the end of his fingertips as he glances over at the other, even though Inigo is trying really hard to keep himself from looking sad in this moment.

And while he manages that, he can't quite keep the look he gives Tidus from being awkward instead. ]

.. yeah. [ He says, as if he still isn't wondering it himself, even to this moment. Are they fine?

Slowly Inigo lets himself drop on his back too, half-hoping the ground may mysteriously swallow him right up. It'd be kinder, more merciful. ]

The stars came pretty early tonight. [ Or maybe they always do here, when there isn't some near-world-ending event going on that takes up their attention. ]

Edited 2021-04-13 11:43 (UTC)

They do sometimes, don't they? Or--elsewhere. On other planets. [ His, he should say, but his mouth doesn't go that way, and he doesn't bother to keep going on after all that. Whatever the reason, it happened, like catching the moon out when the skies were still blue, but still too early to find anything else that belonged to the night.

It didn't matter to Tidus, but he was sure going to talk about it now, every little random tidbit to make a conversation. Remembering right then: ] I heard they use the stars to help them travel by boat back in Spira. Let them know which way they're going. There's patterns, since the stars don't actually change where they are.

[ A scoff. ] But it always looked the same to me. 'Cept for one star - you'd know the one, 'cause it's the brightest. We called it the Blitz Star. You see a bright one up there now?

[ Or was it too early for that? ]

[ Were this a less awkward mood, Inigo may have made a joke about how of course even the stars in the sky are named after blitzball there.

But it doesn't feel right to do it, not with the feelings that still sit uneasy in his heart. So he lets the words drift out of his mind without being said, instead observing the stars. Does he see a bright one? ]

.. that one over there is kind of bright. [ He says, softer than usually, as he slightly raises a hand to point at it. ] But.. that one too. And that one.

[ After pointing out a few more, he lets the arm drop, lifelessly, and lets it rest on his chest. ]

This world has a lot of bright stars. I guess you usually don't notice that.

[ Because they're always so busy doing other stuff. Fighting. Working.

Having awkward misunderstandings. ]

[ Tidus follows where Inigo points as best he can, though, admittedly... he could be pointing to any of the stars, from Tidus's perspective. Did that one over there look brighter than the others? Or does Inigo mean that twinkling one? Wait, was that one twinkling more than the others, or was it his imagination?

But he figures it doesn't have to matter too much, not as much as just talking, trying to find their place again. Not focusing on anything that came before.

He hums in agreement to the last of what Inigo says, even though- ]

The sky was the only interesting thing to look at when we did those patrols. [ Well, the one night patrol... ] But, I'm not really a night guy...

[ He falls quiet, knowing he doesn't have much better to say, kicking his legs as his brain thinks, letting out a sigh that turns into a short groan. ]

Ugh, you know what would be great? If we could go into a town, like the one in Irivar! We could have some fun there.

[ Tidus turns his head to look at Inigo. Right? Right?? ]

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